Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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