Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
