So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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