he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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