ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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