I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My bed smells like the plague
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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