My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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