OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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