I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
