dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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