Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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