i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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