Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The air was thick with penises
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
