I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
