Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
