my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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