listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wish my penis had a tongue
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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