I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
