Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
