i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
