I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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