i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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