I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
