he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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