I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
