i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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