Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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