That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
