I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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