The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am puke
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
