im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
