OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
