my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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