I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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