I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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