plz talk dirty to me
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this boner is exhausting
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
