MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
