Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My vagina just clenched in fear
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