I'm lost and stupid without you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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