I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
