You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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