It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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