On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
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