I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
