we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
