So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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