weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
