I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize