There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
