Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
