I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
