So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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