she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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