i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
