The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Holy shit dude........stairs
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
