Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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