not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
