you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
