I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize